- What really happened?
- Why didn’t I realise what was happening sooner?
- How did the relationship develop and deviate from the narrative Heidi created (& I believed)?
- What was the actual truth?
- Will I ever truly know?
Here’s an overview of what I thought the narrative of my life was. It doesn’t have all the details or everything that happened, but the broad strokes to give you enough of an overview to place the rest of the site in context. When you read on, please remember that I now know that for much of the time I knew Heidi; or HJL; she used controlling behaviour and lies to manipulate me, I was deeply in love and I now know suffering with depression and anxiety as a result of what was happening. It wasn’t as simple as dumping her and moving on with my life.
So here’s what I thought the narrative of my life was, the development of my relationship and time with Heidi; the love triangle with David and I at the heart of it; from the perspective I lived in, which for 99% of this time I did not know about being cheated on:
We got on famously, meeting at the weekends, every Tuesday evening or whenever we could here in Northamptonshire, her home in Wivenhoe, London or somewhere in between.
We fell in love, I asked her to marry me, she said yes. Until the Summer of 2011 she had a key for my place and kept stuff here too.
Heidi had told me she was trapped in negative equity with her ex-boyfriend, David, and they house-shared in Wivenhoe, Colchester as she couldn’t afford to rent somewhere and continue to pay her share of the mortgage. She said they weren’t a couple and, visiting, when David wasn’t there (I’m not heartless!), it did indeed look to be a shared house rather than the home of two people in a relationship.
When in East Anglia I stayed at Heidi’s home, in her bed with her, and her mother’s flat with her in her old room and cramped, single bed when her ex-partner was at home. I also met some of her friends, was told about others and was regularly updated about Bruce and Sophie, who Heidi introduced to each other, and the big house they bought together. I also had regular updates about her mum’s giant, ginger cat and the annoying neighbours in the flat above.
Heidi discovered she couldn’t have children and, as I’d been married before and had a son, she became very jealous that I had a previous marriage and family with someone else. I said, truthfully, that she was the prize and as long as we were together, we were in this together. There were other options we could explore: fostering, adoption, surrogacy. She said no: I was just saying that as I had already had it with someone else and so I didn’t care. She was wrong about that, angry and scared it seemed, and over the next few weeks Heidi asked for time and space to get professional help to deal with her jealousy and depression. I just took this as to be part of the journey of our life together into the future: for better, for worse, etc.
Back in 2009 Heidi told me she and her mum were going to stay with her sister in Leeds for Christmas so she couldn’t see me. I wasn’t happy, but families, eh? I knew when she was leaving, so in order to send Heidi her Christmas card and present I went online to grab her postcode. I typed in the bits of the address I knew into Google and the first link was saying her house had been sold in August 2009. She subsequently admitted to me in a phone call that the house had sold, she had rented a small house to “regroup” and it was her secret sanctuary. She needed space to regroup, hence not telling me.
I had an awful six weeks due to this information and the fact she hadn’t told me, but in February 2010 we met up in Aldeburgh, Suffolk for her birthday and she broke down and admitted that she couldn’t afford to rent on her salary so she was renting a room off David as he took pity on her whilst she saved up to find somewhere.
Such was Heidi’s controlling behaviour, my love for her and inability to cope I believed her and in her. Little did I realise at the time that in this was a milestone moment in our relationship. At the time I was overwhelmed and couldn’t face the truth. I believed what she said to me, even though I was so shocked.
We continued to see each other, but I gave Heidi an ultimatum in July 2011 that I need more from her and gave her until October, my birthday.
In October 2011 Heidi said she couldn’t cope, she hadn’t dealt with the jealousy with her counsellor as she had to deal with other stuff first.
We kept in contact and in December 2011 she finally said it was over as, due to my past history i.e. marriage and son, I “wasn’t good enough”. She’d even forgotten that we didn’t see each other as often as she was getting counselling: turned out she hadn’t at all, it was all lies. Not how I wanted to hear: I wanted her to say she wanted me and we’d be together.
In January and into February 2012 we emailed and texted again a few times but it went nowhere, with electronic arguments or silence the order of the day.
I found out about her wedding to David at Hintlesham Hall, Hintlesham, Suffolk via the joys of Facebook in mid-February 2012. She had never admitted to me she was with David despite me asking time and time again – the answer was always no: she was alone when not with me and sorting her life out.
I had a mini-breakdown and I lost my job through being unable to cope with being “done over” by her yet again. I just didn’t function, didn’t care and slipped even further into depression…
What the actual narrative of my Time With Heidi – the love triangle with David and I (some of it aligned to what I thought was the truth, the bulk not, some of it pieced together looking back with a clearness of mind I didn’t have at the time.)?
When I met her mother, Heidi was single and on a break from David, but she admitted that she told at least one of her friends, Yvonne, I was a gay mate after I met her, her husband and family at the Race for Life in Wivenhoe which she and Heidi were running in.
They bought a new house together on a commuter estate in Wivenhoe in 2009 in the same road where we discussed buying a house. It had water and ducks and this was important to her. At the same time she had a key to my place and she kept stuff here too. I asked for it back in July 2011.
Heidi continued to see – and sleep with – me. She told me that David was like her brother, they had history but no romantic love; they were more like brother and sister. She still hadn’t enough money to move out but in reality, they were a couple and I filled the gaps when he worked away abroad or across the UK on HLF projects and the like.
Heidi and I had the odd day out and incredible sex. Yup, Heidi used me for sex and said whatever I needed to hear or what she said was so awful, it must be true but it was a clever ploy and a lie to continue the manipulation and control me and the situation she placed me in.
In Summer 2011 I told Heidi she had had long enough, I needed more from her, like we had, I had to be out in the open and be part of her wider family life. She asked for more time – I said until my birthday in October.
October 2011 and Heidi came over to stay for my birthday for a few days: the plan was for the entire week, but she couldn’t get a couple of days back so she’d go and come back.
Whilst at mine, she made me watch Sex and the City all bloody weekend, and I mean all weekend, although we did go out to Cheltenham and Stamford. Apparently I was like “Mr Big” and used my eyes to control her, and this was a bad thing. She accused me of a lot of things from flirting with strangers to controlling her: all deflection away from herself, of course.
Anyway, unable to find me a present in Cheltenham, in Stamford Heidi chose and bought me a brown jacket for my birthday present. It went with a blue and white checked shirt she helped me choose on a previous visit to mine. And the red interview tie. She always used her cards to purchase stuff, but she used cash – I remember as it struck me as odd at the time, even though it didn’t register until now why!
We put off talking until the last day, but on late Sunday I caved and asked for ‘the talk’. Heidi told me about not coping with everything was her reason for lying to me and staying put with David, albeit as a lodger. She said that she didn’t want anyone – she would be single. The house would be up for sale in the new year (2012) and she would be moving out also. She had never had space of her own – she left home to move in with someone – and wanted to be on her own to “find herself”.
In December 2011, she said I “wasn’t good enough” for her as I’d been married with a family before…and she deserved someone who hadn’t had the life I’d had to date i.e. a never married, childless man, aged 35-45.
I stood by her for so long as I lived by the vows I intended to say to her “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health”. Heidi said she wasn’t religious and so this didn’t really apply to us and she thought me weak to live by it for so long. The despise in her voice when she told me this cut me to the bone…
When she agreed to marry me, she said it had to happen before her fortieth birthday at the beginning of February 2012.
David was wearing a brown jacket with a blue and white checked shirt. Not a million miles away from how she dressed me weeks earlier. He even had the red tie on that she helped me choose for job interviews. I realised there and then that the our ‘relationship’ was a complete sham and this awful woman had just used me.
Heidi was a compulsive liar: the past five or so years were a lie and fabrication at her hands, someone I loved despite everything and had stood by through the most testing of circumstances.
In December 2011, I started a full-time job at the level I was when I met her for a multi-national company near Heathrow. However, on discovering out about her marriage to David, I had a breakdown and lost the job and didn’t handle it very well, particularly in confronting them both. Some spectacular texting by me on her birthday at the beginning of February didn’t help matters either. Really, really not my finest hour, I have to admit.
Throughout our relationship and from the subsequent contact I had with David and her, Heidi had obviously lied to David about me too and, to be frank, the way I handled the news in terms of contacting them both to set the record straight did me no favours and probably reinforced her lies to him about her relationship with me and what she let me thing was the truth. What I thought I had with Heidi was ultimately a fantasy she created and steered me towards living.
My Time With Heidi – the love triangle with David and I – is not a scenario I would’ve gone for through choice. If Heidi had said to me I was a fling that got out of hand and she was back with David, I’d have been upset, but got over it and probably be with someone else and be happy. Instead, full of bile and jealousy, Heidi told me she had no-one else and was dealing with “life” and “issues” so we might be together and I let her completely manipulate me.
When I met Heidi, I was a very high placed senior manager with a corner office in the West End of London and David was struggling to get a company off the ground. I left my job through redundancy and started working for myself or signed on in bad times as I struggled to find another role in the economic downturn. I earned a fraction of what I did previously and definitely didn’t have the same professional status as I had when I met Heidi.
David’s business, apparently, has kicked off. I had a marketing email from LinkedIn about “people you may know” and blow me, David was in there. It said he was working in Qatar for their government, amongst other things. I do know, again thanks to LinkedIn, he was previously in Zagreb in a similar contract and when I raised this with Heidi she accused me of being an online stalker. She used this line a lot to manipulate me; she was very good at manipulation. Even though she was the cheat, I was made to feel in the wrong for looking the “other man” up.
Anyway, to cap everything, she appears to have followed the money too and him being abroad so much as an educational consultant was the reason she could see me.
I do suspect she’s found some other sap whilst he’s in Qatar. Leopard. Spots. You get the picture.
Anyone that can let me into her bed at night when her other lover left it in the morning has very few morals or willingness to change, I suspect. She changed the sheets; that’s something I suppose.
I did start to date someone but it was too soon for both of us, but we remain good mates and she’s really taught me how to live day to day again. Thanks EW x.
So here, today, I now know I had a lucky escape. The person I fell in love with and stood by does not exist. She was a character created by a very sick and twisted individual who never changed in the time I knew her.
What type of person has a sexual relationship with someone else weeks before their marriage? Heidi that’s who; I pity David, for Heidi is, was and forever will be a lying, manipulative cuckolder. She was to me, she must’ve been with him at the same to me and probably still does. And he doesn’t know it. Poor sod.